A Roadmap to Overcoming Insecurities
BY LEO BABAUTA
There isn’t a person amongst us who doesn’t have insecurities — some are just better at dealing with them, or perhaps hiding them.
We worry what other people think about us, we worry if we’re good-looking enough, we worry that we’re not doing all that we should be, we worry that we’ll fail, we worry that people will find out we’re a fraud. We worry that we’re too fat, worry if she’ll like us, worry if he likes that other girl, worry that we’re not good enough.
And social media, with its culture of getting us to want approval with likes and retweets, with its showing off amazing bodies and amazing travels and food … it only exacerbates the problem. But you know all this.
The question is: how do we overcome these insecurities?
How do we become OK with ourselves? How do we learn to find contentment and peace?
The answer isn’t simple, but it requires one thing to start with: a willingness to face what we usually don’t want to face.
That means a bit of courage. Just in small doses, to start with, but it means a willingness to set aside all the distractions for a little bit, and just focus on what you’re struggling with.
Do you have that courage? If so, let’s start.
The Obstacles
What gets in our way to dealing with insecurities? There are obstacles littering the path. There are old wounds that have never healed.
Some of the obstacles that get in the way:
Past criticisms. If a parent or other relatives criticized us while we were growing up, or if we were bullied, we’ve probably internalized that. I’m lucky that my mom always seemed to accept me as I was, but my dad didn’t. He had his own insecurities, but those would manifest as criticisms of me. Those criticisms stay in my head, but have died down in recent years because of work that I’ve done (more on this below). Still, they may never completely go away.
A negative self-image. When people criticize you over the years, you start to criticize yourself. And all this criticism, along with unfavorable comparisons of yourself to others, results in a self-image that isn’t so great. It doesn’t matter if the reality doesn’t meet this self-image … we can be competent, brilliant, and beautiful, but if we have an image of ourselves that is ugly, dumb, and a failure, we will act according to that image.
Needing approval. When someone gives us approval, that’s great! We feel we are worthy, and beautiful. But the problem then becomes that we need more approval to keep this self-image, and we fear not getting the approval because then this great self-image will go away. We become stuck in a cycle of needing constant approval, and fearing disapproval. We read into everything that everyone says and does, in real life and on social media, in terms of approval or disapproval. This becomes a fearful cycle of need.
Lack of trust. We learn not to trust other people to stick with us, to accept us, to see our side of things as understandable. This is trained in us over the years as people do things that we think of as abandonment or rejection. We stop trusting in the moment to turn out alright.
Images in social media & the media. We compare ourselves to the hot people we see on Instagram or other social media. We compare ourselves with the hot people in movies, TV, magazines. These images are meant to sell us, but the way they sell us is by making us feel insecure about ourselves, and then needing whatever it is that the celebrities are selling us in order for us to be as good as them.
Not accepting things about ourselves. In the end, the result is that we reject large parts of ourselves. We don’t like that we are overweight, or have pimples, or something about our bodies. It’s amazing, because even people you think have amazing bodies — they reject things about their bodies! We also reject parts of our inner selves, the parts that are undisciplined or uncaring or fearful or lazy.
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